A few weeks ago, I made a completely rational decision to quit having ex sex. It has been ex sex, and regular at that, for almost a year now. Which is completely messed up, and why I decided to end it. Eventually, somebody's feelings would get hurt.
Two days later, I completely regretted it and wanted to have sex. But I abstained. In fact, I went on a date with someone else, a first date, which is a big deal for the girl who has been having ex sex for one year and counting. The date, by logical standards, was perfect. He took me to a cute restaurant, pulled out my chair, refused to let me split the bill, walked me home, gave me a kiss on the stoop. I wouldn't let him come upstairs because I had previously made a rational decision to be "emotionally healthy" and wait before hopping into bed with someone new.
Fast forward four days. It is Friday night, and I have just left the ex's birthday party. And I'm really sad about it. I'm sad because we couldn't have a normal conversation. We were friends before we started dating, but we cannot be friends now. He might as well have died.
I did the next logical thing and sent him a seductive booty text. He never responded. Logically, this was the smart thing for him to do. Because three weeks ago, I had logically told him that I wanted out. Then I went on a first date that logically was perfect, yet still didn't give me feelings for him, so I logically wouldn't let him in my bed.
Logic blows. It was making me really sad. And sexually frustrated.
Perhaps logic and reason should not be involved with matters of the heart. My friends parents, for example, fought for the first two years of their relationship. They clawed and yelled and screamed because they were so in love and so young that they didn't know how to deal with it. Two years in, it just kind of stopped. They've been together for nearly 40 years and they still go on dates, dance and steal kisses in the kitchen.
What if they had been rational and ended things because their relationship wasn't really emotionally healthy? They never would have cultivated a functional, 40-year marriage that is still full of passion. I'm not sure, but I've been told, that's a pretty difficult thing to do.
And that's another thing. Passion. If we're logical about relationships, what happens to the fire? Lists and numbers and rationality don't turn me on. In fact, they're kind of passion cock-blockers.
On the other hand, my most functional relationship, the one I miss the most, was built off deep respect rather than passion. It was like curling up in front of a fireplace with a blanket and hot chocolate, rather than stoking a massive bonfire. It felt just as good, and it was safe. No risk of third degree burns should the wind blow too hard.
And let me tell you, I got burned when the ex did not respond to that booty text. For the last two years, I've taken pride in the fact that I never initiated communication. I have been known to review texts/ calls/ gchats and smirk when I saw that I didn't start a single one of them. When I did finally reach out and got ignored, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. He had moved on.
The more I let that statement percolate, the happier I get. Now that we have both let go, now that we have both chosen the emotionally healthy option, I feel like I can breathe (or so I assume...check in with me in a couple months).
Of course, that leads to loads of other questions: if I had exercised such health a tad earlier, would that have lessened the blow and led to fewer issues with my love life? Are passion and emotional health mutually exclusive? Will love built off respect always function better than a love built off passion? Can you possibly logic your way through these questions, or should we let our emotions guide our decisions?
The debate on which holds truth, the mind or the heart, dates back to Aristotle and Plato, so no, I don't really know the answers. But I guess that's the good thing about a column. You can help me find them. So what do you think? Can passion be present in an emotionally healthy relationship? Do logic and reason have a place in matters of the heart?
